What is Consent??

{The following post is written by an author whom is choosing to remain anonymous.}

I want to talk to the teenagers and young adults today.

I want to talk to their parents and loved ones.

I want to talk to adults who may have memories they would rather forget.

This has been a post and a topic that has been on my heart to write for quite a while, but I didn’t quite know how to put it into words.

I have my own website where I could have posted this article, but I didn’t want the attention that would come along with it.  So, I’m posting it here, anonymously.  I hope that’s okay with you.

Some of this will be hard for me to share.  Even though I know I’m writing anonymously and you don’t know me, it still feels so raw.

I want to talk about sexual consent and what that looks like.

When does “no” really mean “no”??

Simply put… no means no when the word “no” or some variation or it, is said.  I don’t care how loud it is said.  I don’t care how sure the person is that is saying it.  I don’t care what has happened physically leading up to it being said.

None of that matters.  The only thing that matters is that someone said no. At that point, the other person needs to have love and respect for that person and stop whatever is happening.

When I was a teenager, I had a boyfriend.  I told him over the phone one night that I wanted to wait to have sex until I was married.  He wasn’t too happy with that, but he didn’t argue too much.

Fast forward a bit… He and I are kissing heavily… this moves on to other things… the next thing I know, he was trying to have sex with me.

I told him “no”.  I added, “I’m not ready”.

He said, “Pleeeaaase…”

I still said, “No, I’m sorry.”

He still continued.

I lost my virginity that day.  After saying no.

In the movies, you usually see a woman physically fighting off an attacker.

She’s yelling “NO!”  She’s screaming for help.  She’s kicking him and fighting against him.

Due to those kinds of images, I convinced myself for a long time that it was partially my fault… If I’m honest, I still feel that way.

Maybe if I had yelled no he would have stopped.  Maybe if I said no one more time he would have stopped.  Or maybe I needed to physically try to push him off?

I’m sure I could have done things differently.  And, maybe if I had, things would have turned out differently.

Either way, though, I said no.  I may have said it meekly, because I was a young teenage girl that didn’t want to make her boyfriend mad.  But I still said no.  And that is all it should have taken for him to stop.

No matter what I say to myself about what I should have or could have done… the fault lies with my boyfriend.  He should have stopped the moment I said no.

And to those of you who are hearing no, but think your partner is “just afraid”….well they are, and you should respect that. Sex is powerful and while you want it badly, they want just as badly to wait, even if they are curious.

So… What does consent look like and what does it not?

Consent… in other words… you are saying “yes” to sexual activity…

The absolute BEST way to give consent is with a conversation with the other person.  This conversation should occur BEFORE you begin any kissing.  This is when both people will be the most level headed.

What does it look like to NOT consent to sexual activity??

ANY form or the word “no”.

And, let me say again… I don’t care if this is before or during sexual activity!  No is no, no matter when it is said, no matter how it is said, and no matter how “sure” you think the person saying it really is about saying it.

What if he or she says, “I’m not sure…”??  That is a NO.

What if he or she says, “I don’t think I want to do this.”?? That is a NO.

What if he or she says, “I want to stop.”??  That is a NO.

If you are a teenager or young adult reading this I want you to be clear on what consent is and what it is not.

If you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend (because pressure can come from girls too) that you don’t want to have sex or any other sexual act, they need to respect that wish.  If you are in the middle of doing “stuff” and you change your mind and say “stop”, things need to stop immediately.  If you are in the middle of doing “stuff” and the one you are with says “stop”, things need to stop immediately.

If things happen that you didn’t want to participate in, happen anyway, go to an adult you trust and tell them what happened.

If you need an “anonymous” person to talk to, I am here for you.  You can comment anonymously below and I will help you in any way I am capable.

If you are a parent or guardian reading this, will you please share it with the young people in your life?

Will you also please talk with them about what true consent is??  They need to hear it.  Young hormones are so confusing.

If you are an adult that has been through a similar experience as mine…  An experience that most people don’t talk about, because it didn’t involve yelling and screaming and kicking.  But, an experience, that nonetheless still haunts you… I have a few things to say to you…

Forgive yourself… you did nothing wrong.  Forgive your offender, because you will never truly be at peace until you do… And, if you’re married, share about the experience with your spouse.  Because, if it hasn’t happened yet, some day it will have an impact on your relationship and the two of you will need to be able to work through it together.

Lastly, if you are someone that has heard no… If you responded by stopping, thank you. I know that was hard in the moment. I also know it meant a lot to the person you were with. If you did not stop, I want to give you the same advice I gave to the adults on the other end of the conversation… Forgive yourself. If you are reading this, it is likely you know what you did was not okay.  It’s time to forgive yourself.

Please share this with those you love.